I am not going to be anything; I already am!

When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life, childhood is life. A child is not getting ready to live - a child is living. The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, “what are you going to be?” Courageous would be the youngster who, looking at the adult squarely in the face, would say, “I’m not going to be anything; I already am.” 

T. Ripaldi, from 'Notes on An Unhurried Journey'

Imagine a three-and-a-half-year-old, in school, trying to put on his shoes and secure them with the Velcro. The preschool teacher sees him bending over and almost losing his balance, so she quickly does it for him. The next day, someone thoughtfully puts a low stool near the doorway; the child sits on it and gleefully sticks the Velcro by himself. What a sense of achievement! He has been helped to help himself.

Recently, in a chat with a 13-year-old, I was surprised that he and some of his friends mentioned parenting today is overprotective or does not give children enough freedom. 

Julie Lythcott-Haims, who was the dean of freshmen at Stanford University for a decade, writes in her book, “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success” - “We want so badly to help them by shepherding them from milestone to milestone and by shielding them from failure and pain. But over helping causes harm. It can leave young adults without the strengths of skill, will and character that are needed to know themselves and to craft a life.”

Parenting does seem to be the most demanding thing we do, and we do want the best for our children. Sometimes they can accomplish things themselves, and at other times we push them, considering it is a big, competitive world out there. 

So, we are sometimes guiding, 'Don't wear that dress; isn't it too short?' or comparing, 'See, our neighbor's daughter wakes up early in the morning to study." It is not good for your eyes when you study so late into the night.' Sometimes we are worrying, ‘I will not allow you to take the bus with your friends, I will come and pick you up’, or second guessing by looking at their phones and reading what they are focusing on. 

We are the same Parents who delighted in every coo, dribble and turn that the child accomplished. What changes as he turns two and a half? We suddenly feel we need to guide him to be that perfect person he must be.

That is how the term ‘Helicopter Parents’ came about! They send the message that the child cannot be trusted by himself. He needs constant supervision, cajoling and manipulating. 

Madeline Levine, who has written on helicopter parenting describes parents who are physically ‘hyper present’ but psychologically absent. From her former position at one of the world’s most prestigious schools, Lythcott-Haims came to believe that mothers and fathers in affluent communities have been hobbling their children by trying too hard to make sure they succeed and by working hyper diligently to protect them from disappointment, failure, and hardship. [Why those annoying “helicopter parents" aren’t so bad after all.]

She has seen the effects up close: Her book tour is taking her to more school auditoriums and parent groups than bookstores. She tells stories about over-involved mothers and fathers. She cites statistics about rising depression and other mental health problems in young people. They talked to their children multiple times a day and swooped in to personally intervene whenever something difficult happened. For adolescent children, ‘I read the books my child is reading to see if there is offensive stuff,’ or ‘we check their phones, or listen in to their conversations, because we feel we can help them if we know what’s going on in their lives.’ We insist and persist because we believe that with our nudging and guidance, our child will realize his utmost potential. 

During her tenure she noticed that incoming students were brilliant, accomplished, and flawless, on paper. But with each year, more of them seemed incapable of taking care of themselves. Such ‘over-helping’ might assist children in developing impressive résumés for college admission, but it also robs them of the chance to learn who they are, what they love and how to navigate the world. “Don’t call me a parenting expert,” Lythcott-Haims said in an interview. “I’m interested in humans’ thriving, and it turns out that over-parenting is getting in the way of that”.

She hopes her discussions and talks will spark change in communities across the country where helicopter parents are making themselves, and their children, miserable. “Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of a job”, she says. “We need to know that our children have the wherewithal to get up in the morning and take care of themselves”.

In a chat with cousins who are residents of the bay area, in California it was evident that there was a lot of pressure (from parents) on students to outperform and get admission into top Universities like Harvard and Stanford. Growing up in Silicon Valley is a privilege until students enter high school. High school is stressful as it is, but when a school sends a small number of students to Stanford every year, that stress becomes overwhelming. Why would these students feel so pressured?

As conscientious parents, we believe that children are little people around the house who must be constantly told what to do. ‘Time to sleep now, I’m turning off the light’ when he is still reading, or pushing a child to compete in a dance or drama when he is shy or inhibited, ‘because I know my son is very good at dance’. ‘Have you called your guitar teacher for class - if you do not, I will'. We want our child to be his best, compete and do better than others. We ignore that he is already the best that he can be. That is how, along the way, we alienate our children, and they no more want to talk to us or do as we want them to. 

So, are you a helicopter parent? Here are some of Lythcott-Haims’s tests:

1. Check your language. If you say ‘we’ when you mean your son or your daughter, for example - ‘We’re on the travel soccer team’, it is a hint to yourself that you are intertwined in a way that is unhealthy.

2. Examine your interactions with the adults in your child’s life. ‘If you’re arguing with teachers and principals and coaches and umpires all the time, it’s a sign you’re a little too invested. When we’re doing all the arguing, we are not teaching our kids to advocate for themselves’.

3. Stop doing their homework 

And how can parents help their children become self-sufficient? Teach them the skills they will need in real life and give them enough leeway to practice those skills on their own, and have them do chores. “Chores build a sense of accountability. They build life skills and a work ethic,” she said.

Parents need to see that even children who succeed in doing the impossible — getting into Stanford, Harvard, or other elite schools — bear the scars of the admissions arms race. “They’re breathless,” Lythcott-Haims said. “They are brittle. They are old before their time”.

So, what to do:

(1) Observe: Can we inculcate the ability to sit back and observe, to have faith that this child is an individual in his own right and has his own trajectory (which is different from ours). Enjoy it!

(2) Pause: It takes courage and faith to let the child be and do things at his pace, in his way (which may not be our way). We should hold ourselves back, and not do things for our child even though we may do so with perfection. Enjoy your child! 

(3) Understand: We must let our child have his thoughts and listen, so we understand him and what his experiences mean to him. When we listen, we hear his needs, his inhibitions, his aims, and most of all we connect with his world. There becomes a shared intuitive channel of communication that is established and maintained by touch, shared gaze, voice and most of all, shared emotion. It lays the deep connection that evolves as our child grows.   

(4) Respond with empathy: We can also offer choices when we want children to do what we want. Giving choices is a great idea as it makes them feel respected and gives them a sense of independence. Once they have that sense of freedom and trust, they become responsible. Children seek our guidance when they feel connected with us.